« Miss Teen Oblivious 2004 »
2004-03-02 · 8:28 a.m.

I'm supposed to read The Da Vinci Code for Book Club but so far I can't really get into it. I'm just not feeling the hulking albino elements in its midst. One more thing I'm not feeling is definitely this stupid-ass (and I don't use that term lightly) computer class I have to take, as if I don't already know how to insert clipart into a Word document. Right now I'm sitting next to an asinine beauty pageant contestant with a toxic level of peroxide bleach wafting into the gentle breeze around her and some former Romanian orphan who I wish to G-d had been left to die of exposure in the Carpathian mountains. Anyone who spells out loud in a pseudo-babytalk voice for over five minutes had better have either a good excuse (severe mental retardation, for example) or be prepared to duck out of my way when I swing a giant cartoon-style mallet at his or her (but in this case her) vital organs.

Part of a conversation I overheard this morning as I was walking into school:

"But in Star Wars: Episode One, they didn't have people crushing other people's heads with maces! Or with war-hammers!"

I want a war hammer.

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